In 1954, the psychologist Leon Festinger proposed that people judge their own abilities and opinions by looking at others, especially when there's no objective yardstick available. Social comparison has been studied ever since, and the basic point stands: comparison isn't a character flaw. It's one of the ways the mind gathers information.

So the honest answer to "how do I stop?" is that you probably can't switch it off. What you can do is change who you compare yourself with, cut down on the situations that set it off, and have a plan for the minute right after a comparison stings. That's what this guide covers.

Up, down and sideways: the three directions of comparison

Psychologists sort comparisons by direction.

• Upward comparison is measuring yourself against someone who seems better off: richer, fitter, further along. It can motivate, but it often leaves people feeling worse.
• Downward comparison is looking at someone who seems worse off. In 1981, Thomas Wills described how people sometimes use downward comparison to feel better when they're under threat. It can bring short-term relief, but it isn't a stable foundation for confidence.
• Temporal comparison is comparing yourself with your own past. Stuart Albert described this in 1977 as a separate process, and it's the direction most worth practicing on purpose.

Most of the comparison that hurts is upward and automatic. You don't decide to do it. It happens while you scroll.

When looking up actually helps

Upward comparison isn't always bad news. In 1997, Penelope Lockwood and Ziva Kunda studied how "superstar" role models affect the way people see themselves. Their answer turned on one question: does the star's success look reachable? When a relevant role model's achievements seemed attainable, people came away seeing themselves more positively. When the same success looked out of reach, the boost disappeared, and the comparison tended to deflate them instead.

In one of their studies, first-year accounting students who read about an outstanding graduating student rated themselves more positively than students who hadn't read the profile. Fourth-year students, who had little time left to match that record, showed no such lift, and leaned slightly the other way.

That gives you a practical test. When someone's success stings, ask whether the path to it is open to you, given your time, resources and starting point. If it is, treat them as a map and study how they got there. If it isn't, that's a sign to stop measuring against them and choose a yardstick that fits your life.

Some people compare more than others

If you feel you compare constantly while friends seem untouched, you may be right. In 1999, Frederick Gibbons and Bram Buunk published a scale for measuring social comparison orientation, meaning how strongly a person tends to compare themselves with others. Their work showed stable differences between people: some compare far more often than others. People high on the scale tended to be more aware of themselves and more interested in what other people think and do. Knowing you sit at the high end isn't a diagnosis. It's a reason to put more of the habits below in place, because you're likely to meet more triggers than average.

What social media does to comparison

Social feeds put an endless stream of upward comparisons in your pocket. In a 2014 paper, Erin Vogel and colleagues found that people who used Facebook more often had lower self-esteem, and that the link ran through greater exposure to upward comparisons. In a second study, people who viewed a profile with upward-comparison content, such as an active social life and healthy habits, came away with lower momentary self-esteem than people who viewed a downward-comparison profile.

A 2018 experiment by Melissa Hunt and colleagues went a step further. They randomly assigned 143 undergraduates either to keep using Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat as usual or to limit each app to 10 minutes a day, about 30 minutes in total, for three weeks. The limited group reported significant drops in loneliness and depression compared with the control group. The study was small and covered only those three apps, but it points in a useful direction: less exposure, fewer triggers.

The four-part reset

Use this when a comparison lands and you feel that drop in your stomach.

1. Name it

Say it plainly, in your head or out loud: "I'm comparing myself to her promotion." Naming the comparison turns a feeling into a thought, and thoughts are easier to examine.

2. Check the frame

Ask what you're actually comparing. Usually it's your whole life, including the boring and messy parts, against a few chosen pieces of theirs. You're seeing their highlight and your full-length recording. You don't know what their week looked like or what it cost them.

3. Switch to temporal comparison

Swap the yardstick. Instead of "Where am I compared to them?" ask "Where am I compared to six months ago?" Write down one specific way you've grown: a skill, a habit, a hard conversation you handled. If you can't think of one, choose one small thing to do this week so that next month you'll have an answer.

4. Read the envy for information

Researchers Niels van de Ven, Marcel Zeelenberg and Rik Pieters distinguished in 2009 between benign envy, which tends to push people to improve themselves, and malicious envy, which tends to make people want to pull the other person down. If a comparison stings, look at what it's pointing to. Envy of a friend's new job might be telling you that you want more challenge at work. That's useful. Turn it into one action you control.

Lower the number of triggers

The reset works in the moment. These habits reduce how often you need it.

• Set app limits. Most phones let you cap daily time per app. Start with the app that leaves you feeling worst.
• Curate your feed. Mute accounts that consistently make you feel small. You can still like the person; you don't have to watch their life on a loop.
• Leave space after you post. Checking likes every ten minutes turns your own post into a comparison scoreboard.
• Know your peak times. Use your tally (see the experiment below) to spot when comparison hits hardest. For some people it's late at night; for others it's right after a hard day at work.
• Spend time with people, not profiles. Face-to-face contact gives you the whole person, which makes comparison less lopsided.

Build a steadier sense of worth

Comparison hits harder when your sense of worth depends on outside measures. If you often feel behind, it helps to understand which kind of low self-esteem you're dealing with. Our breakdown of the five types of low self-esteem can help you spot yours.

Self-criticism often travels with comparison. The free Inner Critic Pattern Analyzer asks a few questions about how your inner voice talks to you and suggests strategies for the pattern it finds, including the "everyone else is so far ahead" voice. For a longer look at where that voice comes from and how to answer it, see our guide to the inner critic.

Gratitude practice can also shift where your attention goes. LifestyleAttract has a practical piece on using gratitude day to day if you want to add it to your routine.

A one-week experiment

If you want to test this for yourself:

1. Days 1 and 2: Keep a tally of every comparison you notice. Note where you were and what triggered it.
2. Days 3 and 4: Use the four-part reset each time.
3. Days 5 to 7: Cut your worst trigger in half, whether that's an app, a group chat or a certain conversation, and keep using the reset.

At the end of the week, compare your tally. Not with anyone else's. Just with yours from day one.

This article is for general information and isn't medical or mental health advice. If comparison is feeding persistent low mood or anxiety, consider talking with a licensed professional.

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Sources

• Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117–140. https://doi.org/10.1177/001872675400700202
• Wills, T. A. (1981). Downward comparison principles in social psychology. Psychological Bulletin, 90(2), 245–271. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.90.2.245
• Albert, S. (1977). Temporal comparison theory. Psychological Review, 84(6), 485–503. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.84.6.485
• Lockwood, P., & Kunda, Z. (1997). Superstars and me: Predicting the impact of role models on the self. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(1), 91–103. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.73.1.91
• Gibbons, F. X., & Buunk, B. P. (1999). Individual differences in social comparison: Development of a scale of social comparison orientation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 76(1), 129–142. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.76.1.129
• Vogel, E. A., Rose, J. P., Roberts, L. R., & Eckles, K. (2014). Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206–222. https://doi.org/10.1037/ppm0000047
• Hunt, M. G., Marx, R., Lipson, C., & Young, J. (2018). No more FOMO: Limiting social media decreases loneliness and depression. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 37(10), 751–768. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2018.37.10.751
• van de Ven, N., Zeelenberg, M., & Pieters, R. (2009). Leveling up and down: The experiences of benign and malicious envy. Emotion, 9(3), 419–429. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0015669